tears

I know, I know, it's getting boring, this whole Cavé situation.

But I promise, it will stop one day. If all goes well, his name will no longer appear on this site in no more than three months' time.

I am making Herculean effort to get my rotation to NY. And in general, I'm optimistic. I have a good feeling about it. Fingers crossed.

I have been mentally preparing myself to leave London. Particularly to leave Cavé. I returned him his sweater. Gave him a book. When we go out as a team, once, he had gotten left behind. I went back to get him. And we hopped into a cab together to meet up with the rest. We took a picture together (well, two, but I looked god-awful in one, so that will be flushed down the toilet of existence), and as he went out to get money from the cash machine, I watched him. And when he came back, I closed my eyes. He was like: hey, don't sleep. that's really weak!

But I wasn't sleeping. I closed my eyes because I wanted to remember the moment. Remember the rare occasion that it was just the two of us. Doing nothing in particular. Just being. I wanted to cherish the moment, to turn it over in my mind, to deeply feel it, and imprint the picture of him and myself in that quintessentially London black cab, in my mind.

Daily, I am bidding him farewell in my heart. And that is why it hurts being at work every day. I see him across from me. His mess of curly mad-scientist hair above his flatscreen monitor. His face appearing from the right hand side of his screen (my left) when he says something to me. I smile and talk to him when he talks to me. I playfully return his shots when he shoots at me with elastic bands. I insult him. I sometimes smile into his eyes and feel the special something between us. Almost like thieves in the same racket. But always, always, every moment, saying goodbye silently.

He says there's no point in saying farewell if you're not leaving within a month, because it just doesn't count.

But I have to start the farewell process now. I always get sad in advance, mentally brace myself. So that when the time comes to actually take my leave, I will be able to handle it. Even be able to leave with a light heart. No regrets. That has always worked so far.

But today, I called him. He had said, very cryptically, that he had an offer which was interesting. Which would involve him in a kind of rotation in a different time and space. He said he's still thinking abt it. And after much bugging from me, he said he might tell me before I go on holiday.

I am away today, and he leaves on his holiday tonight. So I called him and asked him what it was. He asked: what do you want to know. I said: what the opportunity is. He told me.

Among other things, it involves him going back to his home country for a year. He hasn't decided yet. Needs some details ironed out.

I had the air knocked out of me. WHOOOSH. It hurt. I don't know why. Maybe, because it suddenly seems more real, our separation. Previously, if I had not been allowed to go to NY, I would have stayed here, and he would be at least near. Now... I might be away, or I might be here. But he may not be here. And if both of us are in different places from where we met and knew each other, the distance seems somehow further apart.

He asked me what I would do if I were him.

The line was bad, I had to talk quite loudly to make myself heard. I don't know if he heard my voice crack when I told him my views. I told him it seemed like a great opportunity, that I would take it if I were him. It was right. It sounds like a really good thing. That would fit into his plans, his preferred lifestyle. It is a rare and interesting opportunity. He would get time to spend time with his friends and family. It seems perfect. It was the right advice. They say if you love someone, you have to set them free or something. Of course that is no comparison in this case. He has outright rejected me. I have no hold on him. And yet it seems so terrible to me, this potential move.

I wished him a happy christmas.

And then I cried. It was ridiculous. I was standing in line, trying to get my flight changed to another flight to get back into London on account of the fog. And tears were streaming down my face.

I remembered the 30 year old Spanish girl I'd met in the Ladies' at Dirty Martini. I had been crying about work then, that first night when I told Cavé by accident that I liked him, and she had asked: are you alright, are you crying about a man? I told her no, it's about work. Then she said: don't cry. there's nothing worth crying about in this world except family. family is important, that you can cry over. everything else, you should not.

the past and future

Been reading this amazing book that my Dad sent me.

The truth is, I've always been a bit (okay.. a lot) of a lazy girl. As a child, my Dad used to always urge me to watch documentaries with him, or financial news programmes, or ask me to sit with him while he fixed up the computer so he could teach me.

But I'd always been: yeah yeah, whatever. No, later. It's boring etc.

Years later, I'm kicking myself for not having listened to my Dad. I'm wishing my Dad has insisted more firmly, or sat me down and told me seriously how important learning was. The way, he had insisted I learn Mandarin, and his insistence that China will become a great power in 30-50 years' time.

My Dad, in his own more-talk-than-action, easily-stressed out, working class civil servant way, was a visionary. (And I have to tell him that again one day, even if it means I will have to endure him crowing about it for years to come) - That explains why I always say I'm fucking clairvoyant too.. it's in the genes! ;)

Jokes aside..

I love reading, but generally I'm the more dreamy, romantic, literary type and generally read fiction. It takes a lot of effort for me to read non-fiction. But this time, I'm really glad I did.

The book has got me thinking... I think a lot of it is true... and part of me always subconsciously knew a large part of what it says.. but it's great to have it all spelled out. And also.. funnily enough, a lot of it has to do with things that I knew in the past, when I was much younger, and have forgotten in recent years.

I've always been a fairly thoughtful/far-seeing/sensible/mature child. Not in my attitude towards attending classes or finishing homework admittedly, but in other ways. But as I grew older, I forgot all the things that I'd spent my young lonely years (the hours spent alone as an only child made me a deeply/overly introspective and comtemplative) thinking about and concluding on. But strangely enough, recently I've been increasingly reverting to my younger self/intrinsic nature (but that's for another post)

But for now, I'm inspired by the book, and have come up with several more policies and thoughts regarding the way I want to bring up my children in future, and these are:

- my kids will definitely have to learn chinese (in addition to their paternal tongue, whatever that may be)
- if i live in a western country with poor math/science education, they are going to get additional private lessons. i insist on challenging them and getting them to learn advanced math before their official educational level
- definitely they will have to do some creative stuff—music, art... and also other extra-curricular activities, preferably sports as well
- they need to have asian values/work ethic—I'm still thinking on whether we should spend some time in Asia... something to decided upon in future
- definitely i want them to have the equivalent of the current Western infrastructure/opportunities... although the bastion of opportunity in the future may not be UK/US... but wherever that is, I want them to have that exposure/opportunity
- If i have more that one kid, I'd ideally like to have kids who are (one each): scientists, mathmos, phds (economics is okay, if not science/math) although I know those are not particularly well paying jobs.

Que sera, sera

Breathe.

One day I will forget the pain and confusion. The pain that made me agree to go to a spa (spa??) over christmas, and book a flight to Hong Kong on a whim to spend a long New Year's weekend, just because I am afraid of being alone. Alone and depressed with my pain and confusion. I want to be in a crowd which will drown out the noise within.

What will be, will be. I must remember that. Hold on to that. Hold on just another month, when I will know the outcome. The outcome that will be immutable, that will determine the next course of my life. And then it will be fixed. I will have to accept it. I will know the answer to my anguished question: Am I making the right choice? Am I making the right decision?

I am in turmoil, I feel like a a rabid hyperactive hamster on steroids, running maniacally round and round a crazy wheel.

I run through all the possibilities in my mind, cover every base and angle: what if this is the case, what if i don't get this info, should i do this or that? this action will imply that outcome, but that action will imply another equally hopeless outcome. and underneath it all lies the urgency-motivated by what? i don't know even know what outcome i really want deep inside. i am like captain jack sparrow with that compass of dreams. my compass needle is spinning wildly this way and that and i am a turbulent sea of emotions inside.

On one hand, officially wanting to go to NY - lobbying every possible person, trying every tack and angle to position myself for a rotation to NY-motivated by what? guilt? that i know that career-wise it makes sense to go to NY, at the expense of my happiness. short term pain (and i know all the downsides) will beget long term gains. and yet i was willing to give it all up for a boy. so now i'm trying to go beyond the call of duty, to do all i can to try to get to NY, just so that if i don't get to go, i can say with a clear conscience: I've tried my best. i wasn't trying to sabotage my career. i wasn't being emotional and letting my life be decided by a man. although, on the other hand, the thought of leaving, of going to NY hurts as well. i can't bear it, leaving him. daily, i am saying goodbye silently. i am in pain, not just from seeing him (so near yet so far), but also because i imagine leaving him and i want to remember everything, and i am grieving for all that might have come into being, that i will be losing. At the same time, i want to go to NY because i can't bear being so near him yet unable to be with him. A part of me doesn't even want to be in the same city as he.

So, do I even want to go to NY? For the right reasons? career-wise, yes it makes sense. and sans him, i would want to go despite the pain. But my over-zealous, almost extremist lobbying, is that motivated by my wish to go to NY, or by my guilt that deep down i don't really want to go?

but even so, i am strict with myself. in all my calculations and approaches, i take the objectively best path to NY. except there so many variables, so many unknowns, with scope for subjective decisions. i have even consulted cousin J and posed my conundrum to her, and she agreed that she sees my problem. my options are limited. and at the end of the day i have to make the final decision between a few scenarios and decide which i dislike least. when it boils down to that, it's difficult.

and the reality is, maybe it will not even come to having to make these decision, which are my alternative scenarios H or something, which will only occur if a set of conditions apply : scenario H= and(there is no info, there is no availability in team A in NY, there is no availability in team A in NY, Cave wants to enter a specific team in London) There are so many possibilities and problems at every branch of the potential 'game'... although the game could easily end if I get to go to NY. Then, I only to have my pain at leaving Cave to deal with, instead of hyperventilating at every possible outcome of this hydra-headed problem.

and the fact is... what the actual outcome will be is out of my hands, as long as i take the objectively 'best'/ most rational course of action in order to maximise my career outcome. which in theory i should. so there should be no flapping about with questions such as Am I making the right choice.

I am making the only choice i will allow myself. and who knows... maybe i won't get it. maybe i can't go to NY. and then of course there is a whole host of new problems. but if i do get to go...

in any case, it doesn't matter. i will know the outcome by mid jan. once i make my decision and submission, it is all out of my hands. i leave it to fate to decide. i leave it to the world.

there is nothing to worry abt. no more panic to experience. because once i know the outcome, i will have time enough to react, to feel. in the meanwhile, i must breathe. project into the future. and see, understand, truly, that there is nothing i can do, given that i can only make the objectively correct and rational choice, all else does not matter. what will be, will be.

not just in the outcome of my rotation. whether i stay or go. but also in between him and i. and in life. time will tell. i must hold on to that.